How will it be?

Eye1

right now it’s 3:03 am and i have to wake up in 4 hours so that i can get ready to go to the office. i can’t sleep…i don’t know why…i went downstairs to grab a bit of something and then go to sleep. as i flicked the TV on i started watching something…a movie by robin williams called “The Final Cut”…if any of you have ever seen this movie, you might know how i’m feeling right now…

at this very moment, i’m experiencing a multitude of emotions….mostly negative, a sense of foreboding and i don’t know what’s coming…this movie brought up a question in my mind… How will I be remembered?

and from that question, a flood of questions followed…do i care? should i care? well, i’ll tell you that i do care how i shall be remembered. But, i’m not sure if i should… i can’t help wonder what would happen if i suddenly disappeared off the face of this earth! who’s going to miss me? who’s going to rejoice? i don’t know…i sincerely do not have a clue…well, as it should be, i know my family will miss me and mourn for my disappearance…

Lately, i have been blessed with some people whom i can be myself with.and for that i thank God when i go to sleep. what’s funny is that while i may have lots to be happy about, there are a select few things that i cannot help wanting more and more with every breath i take. and what kills me about those is that one of which or even more can be severely effected by that overlooking eye. that sliver of a ghost of a hope that one my have had that slowly penetrates through every inch of my being… oh i don’t know, in any case life goes on…but like i’ve said before, i shall not let life pass thet way water falls on a rock.

in any case, i shall lay down in my bed this evening and count a magnitude of sheep, or knives, or tree leaves or broken shards of glass…what ever it takes to put my soul at ease…who am i kidding? i’ll keep fussing over things that might have passed and jolt down notes in my emergency plan book…for in the end, who knows what’s going to happen? me? you? him? her? neither one of those…all i know is that no matter how hard it is, i must remain who i am forever, regardless of how many voodoo dolls are made to gouge my eyes out… as for how i will be remembered…well, i can tell you that i won’t be remembered that same way by everyone…and that’s something i cannot help…

and yes, i do know that i sound paranoid…try having 4 cups of coffee in the 6 hours before you go to sleep and see how you’re going to be like wise ass!

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~ by Mazz on 6 January, 2007.

3 Responses to “How will it be?”

  1. A very deep question to ponder I must say. and one not many people actually ever think about. I’ve thought about this many times before but I always reach a dead end with the question that follows, ‘Do I want to be remembered?’

    Think on it. And when you decide you then have to set about on how you want to be rememebered, and as you said everyone you know will remember you in a different light but you can always lay the foundation of that light.

    –i’ll keep fussing over things that might have passed and jolt down notes in my emergency plan book…for in the end, who knows what’s going to happen?–

    man do i understand what you’re going through…boy that sounds so much like me

  2. I am saying .. its the effect of 4 cups of coffee ! ..
    such a gloomy thought and question in late night . that’s why I hate it when I can’t sleep , the weirdest thoughts pope up then !

    nontheless .. Your photographs will play a role 🙂

  3. we all want to be remembered well. to leave a legacy behind us so that we dont ever really die but live on forever. Achillies chose to be famous for all of eternity instead of dying a death as any other mortal. we strive to be remembered. we dont want to die and not have anyone say the world is less bright without us. thats why we have children and make business and more importantly, we make a name for ourselves for it will live on forever in books and people that remember you. you make the way you are remembered.

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